By: Ted Lerner
When Pigs Make Love
Having grown up in the upper middle class American suburbs, I was never exposed to too many of the primal aspects of life, like in the way someone who grew up on the streets, or on a big farm with lots of animals might be. Suburban life is always neatly packaged, orderly, fairly predictable and, as a result, boring. Which is probably why I have few aspirations to live the American dream and rather enjoy living in a place like the Philippines. Getting primal can be a daily ritual here.
My wife, Aurora, has always had a thing for small agri-business. Living in Angeles has afforded her the chance to check out the province scene. We had a maid a several years back who lived in the nearby small town of Magalang. We’ve had literally had dozens of maids work with us and I can’t remember what any of them looked like. Except Manang Teletubby. I dubbed the maid Manang Teletubby because she was huge and rotund like the Teletubbies of the kids program.
Manang Teletubby came from a poor family. Her husband was a military man who owned a small plot of land where the family cultivated rice and other vegetables in the next town over, Magalang. They lived with their children and relatives, as well as several other poor families, right next to this rice field in simple native style nipa huts and shabby corrugated tin roofed shacks
One day Manang Teletubby and my wife got to chatting about pigs. Next thing I know, my wife, with the help of Manang Teletubby’s family, decided to buy three female pigs. She already had them and they were being kept at Manang Teletubby’s small village by the side of the rice field. The folks there were going to feed the pigs and look after them. When the babies were born they would get half of the litter, while my wife would have a growing, cash business.
At first, of the three pigs, two of them were mere babies, so they were tied to a tree. The other female, though, was already a huge, hairy pink beast. For her Au had the men build a small pen made of concrete hollow blocks.
About once a week Au visited the pigs to check up on them and sometimes I joined her. She said it wouldn’t be long before big Miss Piggy was ready to mate. Sure enough one day a call came from the caretaker who said that the female was indeed ready, willing and very able. I knew this was one event I didn’t want to miss.
We drove out to the rice field in Magalang and as soon as we showed up somebody ran across the field to fetch the man who owned a male stud. As we waited around the small village by the rice field, children ran everywhere, ducks scampered on the dirt and azkal dogs and puppies played with each other. And then we saw him saunter from behind a tin roofed shack.
He was a massive black and brown spotted behemoth, a veritable giant. My jaw fell open at the sheer size of this creature. The owner had tied a rope around his neck and pulled him across the field towards the pig pen. A small brown skinned shirtless boy walked in back, whacking the pig’s butt with a stick so he would keep moving. As the pig was about halfway across the field, I noticed something hanging off his rear end.
“Hey, what’s that hanging off his butt there?” I asked my wife. My first thought was that it was one of those bags that they tie onto the back of big animals so that they don’t crap all over peoples’ doorsteps.
“Wait,” I said astonished. “That’s not a bag. Those are his balls!!! How does he walk?”
“Oh my God!” my wife shrieked.
“This is going to be good!” I yelped. I immediately dubbed this monster “Boom Boom Babs,(Babs being short for Baboy, the Filipino word for pig), or Triple B for short. Triple B nearly made it all the way across the field to where we stood, then decided he didn’t want to go any further. The owner pulled and the kid pushed and whipped but Triple B wouldn’t budge. Seeing as there were about 25 people standing around waiting for his performance, I thought for a moment he had gotten a case of stage fright. Several other guys tried to push him but still he wouldn’t go. He just snorted and wiggled and stood there. Then he decided to jump off the bank of the field and into the murky water of the rice field, where he proceeded to roll himself in the mud. Finally after several minutes of pushing, pulling and whipping the guys managed to get Triple B moving.
All this time Miss Piggy had no idea what was going on or of the tumultuous fate that awaited her. She was stuck in the hollow-block pen and could not see over the wall. But it wasn’t long before she met her date for the morning. The boys opened the gate to the pen and pushed Boom Boom inside and quickly shut the gate. Practically the whole village, including lots of children, gathered around the low hollow block wall of the pig pen to watch the proceedings. Giggling, laughing and excitement, as well as pig snorts, filled the sultry morning air.
Let me tell you something about pigs. They don’t know from introductions, romance, sweet talk, courting, acting like ladies and gentlemen or nothing of the sort. They just carry on like…like….well, like pigs, of course!! It took about one second for all hell to break loose inside that pen. Boom Boom took one whiff of the scent in that pen—which frankly smelled like fermented crap--and went on the attack. Miss Piggy got so terrified that she emptied her bladder. This only served to drive Triple B into a frenzy. He immediately lapped the liquid off the floor then wasted nary a second and jumped on the back of Miss Piggy.
Triple B was acting on blind instinct and wasn’t quite sure of the mechanics of this operation, so his master had to climb into the pen and help him out. The owner didn’t even wear a glove and just reached down, grabbed tight and put Boom Boom’s corkscrew-like tool in the right place. That seemed like a pretty gross thing to do but, heck, I suppose he knew this would only take a few minutes and then the P400 would go right into his pocket. I seriously doubted if Boom Boom would share in any of that easy money.
Miss Piggy quickly became a giant piece of carnal baboy for Triple B’s consumption. Now entwined as one, with Triple B laying his massive body down upon Miss Piggy’s back, the two beasts careened off the walls, breathing heavily, snorting voraciously. The earth moved, the skies opened up, the trees shook to their roots, the ducks and puppies ran for cover, the adults watched intently while the children giggled with embarrassment.
For several minutes the two went at it. Well, it was really Boom Boom who simply had his way with Miss Piggy. Then suddenly Boom Boom fell off. Miss Piggy must have had enough of this creetin as she took advantage of the opportunity and headed straight for the door, where she managed to escape out the gate of the pen. Before she could be corralled she stepped on a puppy, who let out a hideous yelp into the air. The loose pig caused a general panic among the human voyeurs and the children scampered for cover, laughing hysterically as they ran. The men quickly got a hold of Miss Piggy and shoved her back in the pen.
Triple B’s master had to get back inside and assist his boy once again. This time Miss Piggy seemed resigned to her fate and just let Triple B have his way. For several minutes Triple B ran roughshod over Miss Piggy a second time, with more careening off the hollow block walls and more throaty snorts.
After some time, the two giant pigs quieted down. Boom Boom was still in position and he was breathing quite heavily, while his tongue was sticking out and laying on Miss Piggy’s back. That was a sure sign he was completely spent. A ‘short time’—get it?—later he climbed down. He sniffed the floor, munched some feed out of the trough and then headed for the door, where his master led him away. Nary a goodbye, a thank you or a promise to see you again. Just wham bam and no thank you ma’am. WHAT A PIG!!
It was quite a show, though. Exhilarating, enthralling, heart pounding. Then before we left, Au asked me if I’d like to have duck for dinner.
“You mean one of these?” I said pointing to the dozens of ducks running around the dirt.
“Sure why not,” I said. She informed the caretaker, who then sent two children to run after the ducks. They grabbed a healthy looking bird and picked him up by the wing. Without missing a beat, the caretaker pulled out a knife and slit the duck’s throat, sending blood flowing into the small stream. He took the dead duck into his nipa hut where he chopped off its head and feet and pulled out the feathers.
On the drive back to Angeles, with fresh duck in the bag and memories of pigs making love, I felt the primal juice coursing through my body, as if I was suddenly very much alive. Explosive sex and bloody death in the rice field, and the day was just getting started.
*Ted Lerner is the author of the timeless Philippine classic, “Hey, Joe—a slice of the city, an American in Manila,” as well as the Asian travelogue, “The Traveler and the Gate Checkers—sex, death, life…on the road in Asia.” He has written for many international publications including The Ring Magazine, the Wall St. Journal and Billiards Digest. He also does ring announcing for big time boxing shows in the Philippines, and does television commentary for international pool tournaments.
He has lived in the Philippines for 20 years and currently resides in Angeles City with his wife and their daughter.